A Lot To Learn

I am usually a pretty strong person when it comes to Ella's doctor appointments. I have grown a thick skin when it comes to seeing her go through blood draws and uncomfortable tests. It has not always been easy and those first weeks in the NICU were very emotional. I have grown in two years and try very hard to be strong for Ella, but yesterday I cried.

Ella and Jason reading the Poky Puppy while waiting for
her test to be over!

I lost it.

I broke down in tears.

I couldn't handle the nurse moving the IV all around her bruised arm while Ella screamed. She was hungry, tired, and I am sure the needle jabbing her little vein did NOT feel good. She had every reason to cry and that just broke my heart. I am not as tough or as brave as Ella...I never well be!

Tuesday we had the ACTH stimulation test done to check her cortisol levels. It was a test we knew was going to be a tough one....it involved having an IV and multiple blood draws. It was scheduled to take at least two hours and Ella was not allowed any food or drink. This is tough to explain to a two year old who is used to waking up and promptly being served breakfast. Needless to say, it took much longer and the nurse administering the test was CLEARLY not used to dealing with pediatric patients.  I knew as soon as we were taken into the lab that she was uncertain about what needed to be done. There were multiple calls to the Endocrinologist and too many questions to make Jason and I overly comfortable or confident.  As the nurse tried to take the second blood draw (more than 2 hours behind schedule), she did something to the IV to make Ella's vein collapse. No blood would come out and rather than remove the IV and start again, she felt as though she could "save it". Despite my pleas to just call the pediatric stat nurse, she could only respond by asking me to just worry about calming down my daughter. I was furious!  We managed to salvage most of the test (they were able to finally draw one vial, rather than the two the doctor called for). The labs will be sent to California and we will have results in one to two weeks.

I think my tears were a combination of compassion for Pnut and anger for this nurse who was clearly not capable of handling the situation. I also think a person can only handle so much before they reach that emotional cliff. I slipped over the cliff....but today is a new day. I dust myself off and realize that I am stronger than yesterday. 

"Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed."
  ~Linda Wooten